Warrior Part 3

It is then no wonder what happened next. When I was in high school I met a boy and fell head over heels in love. He gave me what I was longing for so very deeply for so long, and I soaked it up. I opened myself completely to him, telling him all about my past and what had happened before and he gave ALL of the appropriate responses of shock and horror and even anger that I NEEDED to hear. I needed so much for someone else to say that what the adults in my life had done was wrong. The joy of things lasted for one whole summer, and then things began to change and I ended up in what was a very controlling and abusive relationship. I spent less and less time with the two friends who loved me as I was, and more time with him to avoid his punishments whenever I did something on my own. He was very willing to tell me all about how hard I was to love, how others were so surprised that he could be with me like he was, how selfish and stubborn and manipulative I was, and how I was always trying to get my way. And I believed him. How could I not? He was only saying what I had already heard from so many other people. And I'd believed them too. This relationship lasted until two months after I graduated from High School.

The next few years are somewhat of a blur. I was in the middle of what has now been diagnosed as a full on PTSD meltdown. I was working to relearn how to be a person. I also met and married my husband and became a mother. My first year of motherhood and of marriage were very crazy. I was working 40-50 hours a week and parenting our son, while my husband worked 70-80 hours a week (at three different job) in order to make ends meet. Finally I was pregnant with our second son and we knew we couldn't keep this up. At this time we moved away and I became a stay at home mom, while my husband worked only one job, at normal hours-and suddenly I had time to think. We began attending a church in the area that had a good children's program and a worship style that appealed to us. I was determined that here and now I was going to do this WELL, I kind of viewed it as a fresh start. These people didn't know anything about the foster care of all that other stuff, they only saw a young wife and mother and I was determined to be the most Godly wife and mother there ever was. Under the tutelage of this church I learned that a good Christian wife is ultimately quiet and submissive. She prays while her husband does. She essentially closes her eyes and allows him to lead her wherever he would be. So I bowed my head and accept it. This was incredibly difficult to do with a husband who wasn't incredibly inclined to BE that kind of dictator er...husband but that's a different post ;-)

At this point in time, something wonderful happened in my life that really is a turning point. A friend of mine introduced me to an online community called Gentle Christian Mothers. I will forever be grateful for the women there who demonstrated for me the kind of healthy thinking and living I was striving for but had never quite achieved. I made so many friends who came around me and answered my questions and very patiently and lovingly walked alongside of my on my journey of healing. And now, in my journey of healing-my inner warrior has been awakened. It would be foolish of me to think that *bing* that's it! I'm now she-ra the magnificent!!! I will have to re-learn who I am and how I am. I will have to fight hard against all those inner shame messages that have become part of even how I think. I am sad for the parts of me that were buried for so long. And I'm hopeful and excited for the increased healing in my journey.

Ready for the ride? It's about to get crazy!!!!